WWI bar scene

Upon the Stoa this night, I once again bend to the will my exuberant daughter. The WWII bar room scene has forced me to make one on WWI, modern news, the American Civil War, heck, whatever she can come up with. I must bend to her will, or be dragged into a black pit of insanity.

I might as well write some fluff while the timbers of society creak and sway about me.

Ok, so, we will turn back the clock from the WWII bar room. We'll turn it back and reset the scene.

It is 1914, early. The Austro-Hungarian Empire has been around in one form or another for centuries. He has several smaller nations at his table, not all of them willing. The loudest and most boisterous of them was named Serbia. He resented the influence that the bigger cousin exercised upon him and his friends, Croatia and Slovenia. The other cousins wanted to be free as well, but they could not work up the courage to make a run for the other side of the bar. Austria made them sit at his table and would not let them move around much.

In this large room, Germany stands at the bar, drinking a large stein of beer and scarfing down brats. Austria stands nearby, speaking friendly to Germany while furrowed brows and steely eyes glared over at Serbia.

Austria was glaring because Serbia was leaning back in his chair to chat with Russia and the Ottoman Turks. That combination never sat well with Austria, though Germany told him that the Turks meant well. It was the Russians to keep an eye on. Yes, those Russians were not to be trusted.

France was at a table drinking Chardonnay and eating cheese. Confident in its wealth, power, and prestige despite being punched out by Germany 25 years earlier. A minor disagreement settled by a crushing French loss at the hands of Germany.

Great Britain sat in a large booth, friends and debtors gathered all around. He was confident in his Empire of friends and associates. He had not a care in the world. Great Britain was still so large that the Sun never sat completely on any of his lands.

The United States had a stalk of wheat being sucked on gently between two teeth. Feet kicked up, hat pulled down over his eyes. He nursed a beer and relaxed after a hard day's work in the fields and factories. Canada sat with the US, but looked lovingly over at Great Britain. Ditto for Australia. Good old Australia. Always ready for a fight they could only ever help with, but never fight alone. They had more in common with the US than Great Britain, but they were in Britain's family nonetheless.

Russia; huge, hulking, backward Russia. He sat at a large table all by himself, trying to regale other countries with his wealth and sophistication. The problem with Russia was that he was so big he could crush you by accident and dumb enough not to even notice. Russia just wanted to be taken seriously, to be thought of as an equal among peers within the bar. Not many people paid him much attention.

Nearby sat the Ottoman Turks. Old, wheezing, and in debt to many people in the bar, they relied on Germany to help them make ends meet. Not many sat at their table, though, and most of those really did not want to be there. Russia was always calling over to people like Persia and Egypt, promising them riches if they'd come sit with him. No, the Turks did not like Russia at all.

Things had been steady in the bar for years. The last great dust-up had been 12 years earlier when the US accused Spain of being a bully and beat them down. Spain now sat virtually alone at the bar, drinking shots and remembering their past greatness.

One day, things changed rather quickly. That morning, there was tension in the air. No one new what, but everyone knew something was going to happen. The only one who didn't care was the US, sucking on the stalk and whistling quietly to himself.

People began to look about and affirm their friendships in case anyone started a fight. Austria looked to Germany with a wink and a nod. Germany winked back. France looked over at Britain and Britain gave France a thumb's up sign. The Turks asked for more help from Germany which they were then granted. Russia reminded Serbia that they were their "Big Brother" and that they didn't need to put up with Austrian oppression. France and Britain reminded Russia that they were his friends and to please not pick a fight.

Italy went around the room reminding everyone that he was their friend, though he did not get much attention.

The wait staff went from table to table, passing messages and handing out food, hoping for the best.

The fateful moment came when Serbia leaned over to tell Austria something. He spoke too quietly to be heard, so Austria had to really lean over to hear. Without warning, Serbia buried a knife in Austria's neck, wounding him terribly. The wound was not fatal and with a roar of anger, Austria punched Serbia straight out if his chair. Austria then began to savagely beat Serbia without relent. Russia leapt upon Austria and bore him to the ground, kidney punching and head butting. Germany reached down and began to pry Russia off of Austria and then broke a chair over Russia's head when the prying failed.

France and Britain looked at each other and then leapt to hit Germany from behind. Germany was waiting for that and beat them both down with the back swing of a chair. Italy attacked Austria and Turkey attacked Russia. Japan declared that they were part of the fight and then began to beat up Germany's friends in Asia.

The center of the bar looked like a mosh pit of flailing arms, beer bottles, and shoes arching gracefully out of the melee.

The US ducked as a bottle flew over head, but otherwise acted as if nothing were going on.

It was not long before the fight broke up most of the bar. It seemed as if everyone had lost their minds over...what was this fight about? No one seemed to know why and no one seemed inclined to stop throwing punches and kicks either.

Austria and Russia continued to trade blows while Turkey nipped at Russia's flank, irritating him. Serbia was out cold under a broken chair with an order of fries being ground into his hair as the fighting raged about.

The fight went on and on and on. Brutal and without quarter being given. Beer, blood, and brats soaked the floor and matted the Serbs who remained out cold.

The British, Canadians and Australians tried to knock out the Turks but found the old man not as helpless as they thought. The Turks beat them senseless as they charged straight at him. Bleeding badly, the three withdrew. Australia looked over at the US asked when they were going to join.

The US absently waved a hand in the air and went back to humming a melody.

Germany continued to beat on Russia, France and Britain with surprising ferocity and skill. This one country not only did not go down, but continued to knock all three of them about when he focused on one opponent.

Italy, France, Britain, and Russia were fading. Germany was panting, but otherwise still ready to fight. Austria was making odd noises. Wheezing and gulping, some wondered if Austria had been struck a deeper blow by Serbia then had been first thought. The Turks still had their hackles up and kept swatting at the British who had never stopped harassing them.

Then, quite unexpectedly, a note turns up. Britain, while scuffling with Germany, kicks a letter that had fallen out of Germany's pocket. The letter skids across the floor and ends up near the US.

Since his foot was going numb from being kept high on the table, the US let his foot down and saw the note. It was addressed to Mexico, from Germany.

With some interest, the US unfolded the note. The note said in part: "Hey, Mexico. If you help us out by attacking the US, we will make sure that you get all the guns, ammunition, and support you need. We will make sure that you get most of the territory back that you lost in 1846 and 1848. Also, we'd be really grateful if you could help broker an alliance between us and the Japanese. They seem like swell folks. Your friend, Germany XOXO"

The US's eyebrows rose and knitted together in irritation as he read on. The US had overlooked the sinking of its ships by "accident" by Germany, the US had even sold less equipment to Britain then it intended, hoping to remain neutral in this mess, and here was Germany, trying to pick a fight with the US.

So sir, this was not going to stand. The US put on its ass-kicking boots, put its hat on the table and the turned around fixing Germany with a set of eyes that had stopped blinking minutes before.

Germany could not help but notice the glare and went, "whoops". With a terrific double-fisted haymaker, Germany hammered Russia straight back into its own corner, upending the table and scattering all the chairs. Russia was down and would not be getting back up.

Germany turned its attention fully upon the French, the British, and the approaching United States. Italy, barking and yipping like a frantic lap dog, was brushed off and sent rolling.

Austria seemed to be stumbling, having some troubles shoving the Italians away from Trieste. The Turks also were stumbling about. Striking at the unconscious Russia and not scoring a lot of hits.

Though tired and bleeding, the Germans waded into the French and British, seeking to crack open their heads. Just as Britain, starving and panting heavily was about to pass out, the US arrived, giving him some food and support. Coming to the fight fresh, the US did not have a difficult time taking the German blows and then, bending Germany's wrists back told them to give it up before he got mad.

Seeing the futility of continuing a fight they never began, Germany decided that enough was enough. Spinning on his heel, Germany walked back to his own table. The German table was unbroken. Untouched in all the fighting. The rest of the bar was busted up, but not a single punch had been thrown in the German part of the bar.

Then, when the US asked who had started the whole mess, everyone pointed at Germany, who then spit out a mouthful of beer. Germany protested and said that Austria had defended itself against Serbia and that they were only supporting Austria.

Austria was down on its knees, clutching at a broken shard of glass that was sticking out of its neck. With a gasp, Austria collapsed into a pool of its own blood, dead.

When Austria went down, the Old Turk grasped his chest and with a cut-off shriek, fell over backwards dead.

Russia remained sitting on the floor up against the wall, drooling and twitching at unseen foes.

Britain and France shouted, "who is going to pay for all this damage!". Germany looked about as everyone was pointing at him and his untouched dinner table. Austria and the Ottomans were dead. There was no one left to blame, "aw, CRAP!" Germany said in frustration. Italy jumped up and down reminding everyone that they were in this too. Japan, interested in keeping a low profile, quietly kept what it could of German holdings in Asia and turned a hungry eye towards an un-expecting and feeble China.

The US then told France and Britain to take it easy on Germany, reminding them that Germany was never really "beat", they simply stopped fighting. The powers of Europe ignored him and clamored for Germany to be stripped naked and paraded around the bar in victory. Eventually, the US went back to his own table, drawing up a plan to form a group around another table that would settle issues and misunderstandings before they resulted in open warfare.

In this, the US soon grew bored, and soon went back to sucking on his wheat stalk, deaf to the shouting and hollering going on in Europe, disgusted with their behavior. The Europeans were uninterested in this new table.

Serbia, sometime later, comes to and looks around, wondering what has happened since he was knocked out by Austria. He sees a different looking Austria sitting at their own table. Hungary has its own table, too.

Looking around, he notes that he is sitting at a table marked Yugoslavia. The man at the head of the table grinning at him and has a sticker on his shirt saying, "Hello, my name is Marshall Tito". Sitting around this table is Croatia, Montenegro, Macedonia, Slovenia, and Serbia. "Aw, Damn it!" He screams. Once again, he is not free to do as he wishes.

The rest of Hungary has also broken down. The Czechs and the Slovaks form a new table and tell the Hungarians to go get bent, and the Hungarians have no choice but to accept this.

The Russians are in their corner, thrashing about and yelling at itself. Obviously, they were going through an identity crisis. One second he would scream, "White", the next, "Red". Through clenched teeth it would yell, "Finland". Interestingly, the Finnish and the Poles walk away from the Russians and pull up a table and chair all their own, glad to have escaped from Russia's dementia.

The tired old Turks are at an end. Once they were the Terror of Europe. Not any longer. The placard at their table was taken away, along with the Ottoman body. On it was an award, "tearing up Europe since 1453". In its place was a new Turkey with a new leader. Arab nations, under the wing of the British came into being, squabbling and bickering.

The British wondered at these little, screeching and spitting little people. Were they going to cause trouble in the future? Nah, he thought. What can they do? If the Turks could keep them under heel, we certainly can...

The bar was busted up for a long time after this. Some patrons left while others came in to take a seat. Germany was angry as hell that it had to foot the bill for someone else's fight. What exactly was the fight about anyhow? Hell if he knew. All he knew was that every time he made a penny, someone else took it from him and demanded two MORE! No sir, this dog won't hunt. He was going to put an end to it, but he could wait. He would get his revenge for this humiliation.

So there you go, folks. WWI in a bottle. I'm getting requests to do our modern day and perhaps I'll do one soon.

Current events may pull me away for an article or two, but I'll return with a new bar scene shortly.

Live well.

Zavost