War on Terror for Dummies

Upon the Stoa this sunny day, I will attempt, once again, to make the obscure clear, and the complex so simple, even a Democrat can get it.

This day, I will look at the roots of the War on Terror and how we became the world's de facto policeman, like it or not.

The Calendar on the wall of the Great Bar Room reads 1919. A host of people are gathered around the smashed remains of the table of France and the Lowlands. The Council of Versailles is underway. This is not really about Europe, but the roots of modern Terrorism arise from this treaty, as did the bastard seed of World War II.

A vast mandate is created in the Middle East between France and Britain to administer the corpse of the Ottoman Empire. Standing over a map, the States of Europe, fountain pen in hand, began to carve up the vast Turko-Arabic-Persian lands without regard to tribal affiliation or historical boundaries.

America, disgusted with so much going on at this Council, stomp back to their table and order dinner, complaining that Europe has borrowed so much money from them that they will never get it back. Freaking ingrates. Let them carve up the desert. What harm can it do?

Pages fall from the calendar and it is now 1921. Germany is pissed about the war reparations being placed upon them and is eating beans and rice instead of Brats and Beer.

Iraq is created out of the British Mandate with a seed government planted to solidify the country. A chair is placed at the edge of the British table for Iraq.

In 1922, Trans-Jordan is created by the British. A chair is set out for them as well as a smaller one is labeled "Israel" as a place for the world's Jews to settle. This is done because the Jews did not seem to be accepted anywhere they went, so the British felt that since the Jews had lived in that region since 3,800 B.C., then they should be allowed to return. What harm can that do? It seems only fair.

Somebody in London had not read up on their Judeo-Roman histories.

The calendar now reads 1923 and Turkey rises out of the ashes of the Ottoman funeral fire. They take a seat independent of Britain and everyone else. They eye the world with unsure eyes, not knowing how they will be accepted in the family of nations emerging from the debris of World War I.

In 1926, France creates the nation state of Lebanon, placing an independent chair and table in the room for them.

In 1928, Trans-Jordan has developed enough that the British now allow them to sit apart from the British table. The Jewish homeland is maintained and Jewish immigration from around the world has turned into a flood.

In 1929, Arabs, wandering about the bar begin to throw eggs and trash at the Jewish chair, telling him that he is not welcomed in this bar. A promise to make things unpleasant is scribbled on the table in front of them.

In 1932 the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia gets a seat and its own table. More and more Arabs are beginning to settle down into organized nation-states.

In 1933, Iraq is granted independence from Britain while at the same time, Israel has his shoes tied together and a bug slipped into his dinner by an Arab waiter.

Afghanistan is recognized in 1934 and nearly every single Jew is expelled.

1936: France grants Syria and Lebanon independence and then notices that the Arabs is the area are sporting brass knuckles with a "made in Germany" stamp on it. France tells Germany to knock it off. Germany winks at Syria and Lebanon and tells them to mug Israel the next time they go to the bathroom.

In 1937, Britain, irritated at France's inaction, shoos away the Germans from around Israel. What was their deal anyhow? Germany was working 5 jobs to pay off its debt to France and Britain, they didn't have time to play with other countries like Israel.

In the time of WWII, the Israeli portion of Trans-Jordan did its part for the British. They made sure that Turkey stayed neutral, and helped to fight Germans who had infiltrated the region. Britain encouraged Israel and told them that they may be allowed their own table at the end of the fighting.

Britain made this promise even as he lacked a shoe, a tie, three teeth, and had to make the promise by blinking through the blood that was in his eyes. See, Germany had them in a head lock and Britain was grasping at any straw they could for help. Perhaps the Jews could distract Germany long enough for Britain to break the choke hold.

Now, the calendar reads 1946 and Israel is not free yet. Britain is waffling about giving Israel its own table. Jordan has since cut off the Jews and warned them that there will be no freedom for them. Jews have continued to pour into the region to carve out a nation for their own.

On the other side of the British table, Britain is in deep discussions with France and Germany over what to do about the USSR. Israel grows impatient as it pulls a strand of noodle out of its hair. The Arabs have continued to harass and bully them at every opportunity. One day it is soup, the next day they are flicking his ear telling him that they best leave the bar and never come back.

Finally, Israel takes some mashed potato out of his ear, packs it on a spoon and catapults it into Britain's soup, splashing the white linen around their bowl. Britain looks up and yells, "Who did that!"

The Arabs back away from Israel, finger pointing the whole way. Israel leans back and points both fingers at his own chin and says, "Yo!"

The Arabs are laughing at Israel, waiting for Britain to punish them. Jordan, Syria, Egypt, Iraq, Lebanon, and Iran scoot their chairs closer to Israel and begin to menace him with forks and spoons.

Britain glares at Israel and warns them that if they disobey just one more time then there will be hell to pay.

Britain turns back to France to discuss some item when an entire goat rockets into the side of his head, sending him sprawling out of his chair.

In moments, Israel and Britain are rolling around on the top of the table, scattering bread, soup, and flinging food all over the place.

Britain seems to have the upper hand. He is bigger, stronger, and has the clear support of the crowd.

The Arabs clap their hands with glee and eye the chair that Israel has been sitting in, hoping to add that chair to their growing group of tables and chairs in the Middle East.

Israel, though outclassed had no intention of fighting fair. In short order, Israel buries a fork in the kneecap of Britain. While Britain bellows in pain, an entire ham is shoved in his mouth, cutting of the scream. Whipped cream and walnuts are crammed in Britain's ear while at the same time they pour ice water down his pants.

Angry and humiliated, Britain decides that enough is enough. There are more important things in the world to address then these upstart Jews.

Dripping gravy and whipped cream, Britain carves off the table in front of Israel's chair.

"Enjoy your freedom you rat bastards!", and storms away.

The US and the USSR immediately congratulate Israel on it's newfound freedom, each hoping to bring Israel into their political orbit (see, the Cold War was just getting underway).

As the US and USSR are shaking hands with Israel, a crowd forms all around the Israeli table, broken bottles, chains, and clubs in hand. Nation states and roaming Arabs are there, each with murder in their eyes.

The US and USSR turn to leave with a smile on their face.

"Oh, look, so many others are here to wish you well!"

Israel puts up an arm and says, "Ah, no, don't go!", even as the crowd surges around the giant frames of the US and USSR.

What a great start, the US thinks as he walks back to his table.

Israel is completely blotted from sight as the Arabs, Persians, and Egyptians pile onto Israel.

Thunder has nothing on the noise that broke out from that end of the room. If Israel thought it had a hard time with Britain, it had its hands full with the Arabs. No sooner would Israel knock down one person than two more would climb on his back. Israel was better organized and stronger than any two opponents, but the fact remained that there were so many opponents attacking at the same time.

The struggle was in doubt several times. Israel, close to going down, always seemed to stay one step ahead of the Arabs. A broken table leg, swung in desperation takes down Lebanon. Picking up Lebanon and swinging him around in rage, Israel beats down Egypt. Egypt crawls out of the pile, vomiting bile. Lebanon ends up face down over the bar. Jordan takes one to the stomach and double over into the rising knee of Israel. With a choked cry, Jordan falls backwards into the bathroom. Syria is the next to go down, a flurry of body blows causing them to double over and go down. Iraq and Iran, seeing that the fight was tipping out of control finally backed off.

Israel was battered and bloody, standing in a pile of Arabs with nothing more than blood-soaked boxer shorts.

The US came over and helped Israel put their table and chair back together. The US told the moaning and whimpering Arabs to mind their own business and leave Israel alone. The US would make sure that Israel knew how to fight and had the right equipment to protect himself.

The Arabs did not listen, instead they vowed to avenge themselves upon Israel for their humiliating defeat in a war of aggression that they themselves had started...

Over the years, Israel had the opportunity to defeat the combined power of those Arabs two more times. Each time, beating each of them to the ground and throwing their unconscious forms back on top of their chairs.

This bickering between the nations of the Middle East continued for DECADES, each seeing if they could prove to one another just how much they hated Israel...and each other. Fights broke out among the Arab nations more often than between Israel and an Arab. Iraq and Iran (old Persia) busted up the bar so badly that folks wondered if either state would survive.

As an offshoot of the Cold War, the USSR mugged Afghanistan and replaced the fellow sitting there with someone else who spoke with a Russian accent. Realizing what had happened, the US sent weapons and trainers to several Arab nations to help them get rid of the puppet pretending to sit in Afghanistan's chair.

eventually, the USSR left, but Afghanistan had trouble sitting back down in their chair as other Arabs tried to bum rush the Afghans and sit in the chair in their place. Another fight broke out.

The US then watched as Iraq, for no reason at all, punched Kuwait in the back of the head and began to kick him repeatedly.

Signing heavily, the US walked back over and grabbed Iraq by the neck and pitched him back onto his own chair. With a warning finger and glance he told him to stay put and stop causing trouble.

The US then spent time helping Kuwait and Saudi Arabia fix up their stuff.

The US could not even leave since Iraq was now beating on the smaller chairs that were tied to the Iraqi chair.

Frustrated and a bit schizophrenic, the US simply watched and warned Iraq that they better knock that crap off, swatting Iraq's hand every time he reached away from the Iraqi table, yet not having the resolve to beat the crap out of him again.

It was around this time that the US noticed a group of Arabs that called themselves "the base" began causing all sorts of trouble around the bar. They became a plague, actually. Going from table to table, laughing and shaking tables, spilling wine and beer. Sometimes, if they were ignored, they would slam the table with a sledgehammer, scattering everything around them in the process and then walk away laughing.

This went on for some time, but the US had long since become distracted by bigger things and generally paid less and less attention to the Middle East.

Allowed to grow more emboldened and powerful, this group tried to hurt the US by hitting them in the side of the head with a slingshot.

The US simply put a dressing on the injury, looked about for the source of the sling stone, and then went right back to what they were doing; completely ignoring this rowdy bunch.

Frustrated and cocky, eternally hateful of Israel, this group came up with a way to remove the protection that the US gave Israel. They would hurt the US so bad that they would be forced to abandon Israel. After that, every Jew in the world could be hunted down and killed to the last baby.

A group from "the base" whistled at the US and asked them to stop by for a minute.

Without a care, the US walked over to them, confident in his large size and overwhelming power. As the US approached, one of the Arabs got excited and pointed over the US's shoulder and yelled, "Look at that!"

When the US turned to take a look, one of the Arabs pulled out an elephant gun and pulled the trigger. The shell slammed into the US's back and left a huge, smoking hole. With a groan, the US staggered and grabbed at at table.

The Arabs began to cheer and chest bump all the way back to Afghanistan and Iraq, their recent hiding places.

The US was hurt, but not fatally. In pain and in rage, the US stood back up and slowly turned around, looking for the people who had shot him in the back. Japan shot him in the back once. Once.

Even as the Arabs partied in Kabul, a long shadow began to fall upon the Afghanistan chair. The large chair nailed to the Afghan chair lacked a proper name plate. This must be "the base" chair.

With cold fury, the US advanced on Afghanistan, the shadow deepening the closer he got.

Wondering where the sun went, Afghanistan turned around and stared into the heaving belly of the US. Craning his neck up, and up, and up, he said, "So, how are things?"

Without answering, a forearm slowly came up and with the creaking of tendons and muscles, a single index finger pointed over the Afghan shoulder at the chair filled with filthy yahoos blowing kazoos in merriment.

"Who, them? There nobody, just ignore...."

Afghanistan never got the rest of the sentence out. Huge, meaty hands grabbed him on each shoulder and simply pulled him apart into two, bloody masses. Gore spilled about the feet of the US.

"Oh crap", the Arabs yelled in chorus, and began to scatter for other parts of the bar. Boot stamping and swatting the US wadded into the area. Some Arabs were smashed flat, never to get up again, others were kicked clean out of windows.

The US hammered away even as Iraq began to trash talk. Iraq allowed several of the "base" Arabs shelter from the rampaging giant that was trashing that end of the bar.

Finally, the US dropped the last rag-doll Arab corpse to the ground and helped up the old Afghanistan that had been tied up in the corner. Leaving a wad of cash behind to help them fix up their table and chair, the US turned its eyes elsewhere.

When the US turned towards Iraq, he saw Iraq flick his thumb in his front teeth in his direction. Bad choice of actions.

The US began its slow, deliberate advance upon Iraq, crumpled cups and french fries bouncing off his chest.

The "base" fellows hid behind Iraq and whispered encouragement in his ears about how Iraq could take him, even as they opened the window to flee the fight.

The US did not even slow as he came upon Iraq. Iraq was shaking his head and denying that he had ever met a group of people calling themselves "the base".

The denial was cut short as the US gripped Iraq about the wind pipe, looked around the bar to see who was watching, and then began to punch Iraq repeatedly. For several minutes, Iraq was pounded into an unrecognizable mass.

Another Iraq stepped from the crowd to offer its support to the US. The two of them would ensure that "the base" could not cause any more trouble.

As the US was cleaning up the mess that the rest of the world had allowed to be made of the Middle East, the rest of the world was telling the US that they had over-reacted. Why be the bully that you despise? Can't you just get along with this group of clearly misunderstood Arabs?

Europe opened its arms to these mis-understood Arabs and invited them over for lunch.

One Arab urinated in Spain's coffee while another took a dump on England's dinner plate. Another took a fork and pinned Netherlands's hand to the table while telling them they were being a lousy host.

This behavior confused the Europeans who had expected to be greeted with appreciation. Nope, all out of grace and appreciation.

The US, its anger abated, decided that it had done enough in the Middle East and made to head home. Afghanistan still needed help, but the US had once again become bored with the area. No sooner had the US stepped away from Iraq, than a wine bottle was broken over Iraq's head. Now Iraq was again fighting or its life among these "mis-understood" Arabs.

So, how does this story end? I can't tell you for sure since it is still being written.

Only time will tell. The US gets distracted easily. We are hard to anger and arouse to violence, but we are quick to forgive and yell, "squirrel!".

I guess we will just have to read an update on this story next year.

Live well, everyone.

--Zavost