America's Political Schizophrenia-Bar Style

Upon the Stoa this day, I once again delve into a pictorial representation of historical events. My daughter insists and I now stand before you, a broken and dejected man.

This is going to be about how the US has a spectrum of political responses and actions depending on a 5-way balance of power.

5 ways you ask? Here is a basic refresher course for those of you who need to brush up on the American Republic.

There is the Executive branch, one person elected every 4 years that requests budgets, requests Congressional authority for a variety of items, and represents the United States in foreign interactions. The President is responsible as the Chief Executive and responsible for upholding the law and protecting the Constitution.

Then there is the Legislative branch that is FURTHER subdivided into TWO chambers, the Senate and the House of Representatives. The members of the Senate are elected for 6 year terms while the Representatives are elected for 2 year terms. Why is that? Good question. The Senate was elected for longer periods so that the Senator could focus on the "Big Picture", free from the fear of constant campaigning and electioneering. This allows them to "deliberate" with "thoughtful" contemplation. They are intended to be the level headed, cool brother to the Representatives.

No, the House of Representatives is elected to 2 year terms, with 1/3 of the House up for re-election every two years. This was done so that this branch of government would be "closest to the people" in terms of current events and political needs. This is the "intake" valve for national ideas and frustrations.

Collectively, the Congress ratifies laws to go to the Executive for final approval. Congress also puts together the budget and appropriates (taxes or takes) money for operations.

The third branch is the Judicial. These folks are appointed for LIFE. The intention here is that they are never afraid of re-election and can cooly evaluate challenges to the Constitution from the Legislative or Executive branch. Think of them as a vast "spell-check". If a law is ratified by Congress and then signed into effect by the Executive, these folks evaluate legal challenges made by citizens or corporate entities. A sniff test. If it does not meet Constitutional muster than the law is VOIDED.

The fourth branch is the Media. The Press. The 4th Estate. Crap. They have been shilling for Communism since the 1960's.

The 5th branch are those Americans who have not forgotten that we are a special nation. The first and last great hope for a world drenched in blood and grief. It is those people who try to restore the order and balance before it all falls over.

Sounds cool, but here is how it all developed....

It was a warm fall day in 1604, the first wave of colonists were arriving in the New World. Intent on making a new life for themselves. Unfortunately, none of them could afford the ship or supplies needed to sustain them in a new land. So, the government, i.e. the English Crown, helped to finance what THEY saw as the first steps toward political dominance of an entire continent.

The cafeteria starts out made of wood with thatch roofs and only three walls. A hand full of people sit huddled around a camp fire. The glowing eyes of wolves, deer, and the occasional Native American glitter at the edge of the fire.

Soldiers in carapace armor stand guard with their muskets, swords, and pikes. Food is scarce and people fall ill all the time.

They wait for more colonists, more soldiers, and more supplies from England. They are completely dependent upon the mother country for survival. They have only their powerful faith in God to protect them from the elements and hostile natives.

Fast forward to the 1640's. There are now roughly 13 scattered nuclei up and down the North American coast. Still, they are beset on all sides by those who would love to see them pushed back into the sea.

The Cafeteria is little changed, though it is larger and now has 4 walls. The floor is still dirt and the ceiling is thatch with some wood planking. There is still a fire, though now there is more food.

The mother country dominates their thoughts and dreams still. The colonies need more of everything. More men, more soldiers, more scientists, more farmers, more supplies. God do they need more SUPPLIES!

The Native Americans were Stone Age substance farmers and had NO infrastructure for a modern society. The Europeans had to build everything from SCRATCH. Foundries, Blacksmiths, forges, mining, smelting, Industry. Complex tools had to come from over the Atlantic ocean. Storms and weather made traveling in the off-season treacherous.

Everyone is busy about the room, Georgia is a thug who was dumped here by Britain. He keeps to himself in the swamps and the others like it that way. New York is busy trying to construct harbors to accept what they know will be a wave of immigration from the Old World. Virginia, oh noble Virginia, all curls and perfume works also to create cash crops that could be exported back to England for finished items that could not be manufactured in the colonies.

The colonies are so closely knit to the fate of England that during the English Civil War, the nascent colonies are nearly destroyed as each side tried to sway the colonies to their positions. Fewer than 100,000 people lived up and down the coast. Modern weapons and Indian attacks nearly exterminated the American Dream in its crib. Lucky for us, this didn't happen.

Idle hands are the tools of the devil. Well, everyone was way too busy to sin in North America at this time.

So now we fast forward to 1750. The room is large and warm. Wood planking and brick and stonework have replaced much of the dirt and thatch. Heat is provided by several fireplaces and the food is served from a cafeteria cook area, the people free to mill and mingle among the 13 tables. There were other tables present as well, those of the French, the Dutch, the Canadians, and many, many indian tribes both roamed about and were partially settled in tables of their own.

England, now Great Britain after 1707, wears a giant apron and tends to the needs of his growing colonies.

One day, the French, fed up with the difficulty of obtaining tables among the Indians and irritated that the British were hogging up all the good spaces in the room, decided that he had had enough. Britain was a pain in the butt back in Europe and he was even worse here in the colonies.

As Britain rushed over to deliver some fresh metal blanks for horseshoes to Massachusetts, France tripped him and sent the material sprawling. The Indians surged forward and stole the metal blanks. Others set about tipping up the tables of the 13 colonies. New York, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, and Virginia got it the worst. It was some time before Britain could get up, go back behind the counter, get his baseball bat and begin walking back into the fray.

By the time he got there, the colonies had pitched off the Indians and were actually holding their own against the French bully.

As Britain stamped over to France, shaking a particularly clingy Indian from his ankle, Virginia tugged at his arm. She asked in a kind, sweet voice, "we did good, didn't we?"

Britain sniffed and looked down at the ill-dressed child. My, the child was dirty. New York and Pennsylvania had France about the knees and was causing France no little amount of distress. The more he tried to shake off the colonies, the more they dug their teeth into his inner thighs.

With a dismissive "shooing" motion Britain strode over to France and began to break the bat upon France's head. The fight did not last long. The colonies HAD done a great job dealing with the French Indians and in blunting France's movements in the interior of the continent.

France ended up leaving the cafeteria, taking French Canada along with him. A single person now sat in for Canada and he ADORED Britian.

Britain then went back to working behind the counter, taking care of its ever growing Empire while the colonies stood, long-faced and hurt about how their contributions were completely dismissed and over-looked. As if they were useless, pointless, or worse, simply in the way.

This bothered the Colonies very much. Several of them decided to meet together, secretly, to discuss ways of running things themselves. Run things better than Britain. Britain was always so far away. Heck, they had the situation with France taken care of all on their own. All Britain did was take the credit and begin charging the colonies more for every little thing to pay for his effort.

No sir, that dog won't hunt.

The Thirteen Colonies moved their tables together and began to talk in earnest about how they can run things on their own. They still needed Britain for some things, but if they were on their own, they could trade for those things with France or Spain, or the Dutch. AND pay less for it as well.

As Britain was serving oatmeal paste to Jamaica, he noticed that the usual amount of sugar cane that normally came his way was coming up short. Following a trail of sugar, he found New York busy making Rum and Molasses...WITHOUT permission.

When he took the stuff away, New York had the gaul to act irritated. Harumping and tisking back to the counter Britain could not help but think those colonials were up to something. They could be up to something, but they were too stupid and dependent to really be up to anything serious.

Now the year is 1773 and the scene at the colonial tables is heated. The Thirteen colonies on the Atlantic seaboard are talking openly of moving their tables away from Britain. Canada keeps jumping up and down finger pointing and tattling on the colonies every time they huddle up and start whispering.

The events of the Revolutionary War have been chronicled elsewhere, so I'll move on.

The year is 1811. The Founding Fathers are passing away. The Republic has a new crop of people and more tables as well.

Britain is still irritated with "The Colonies" and is looking for an opportunity to bring them back into the fold. However, France has literally torn the crap out of Europe and Britain is very distracted.

The Federal Government sits at the head of the combined tables of the United States. Everyone at the table is pretty animated. Many see a war with Britain as confirmation that the US is destined to sweep away the old order of things.

Eventually, Britain irritates the Federal Government one too many times and declares war upon Britain. Pointing a finger and thumbing his teeth at the same time.

Britain, busy dueling with France hardly pays attention to the fellow jumping up and down on the other side of the room.

The US does what it did nearly 30 years earlier. It invades Canada, thinking that it will deal those snot-nosed little tattle-tales a thing or two. Again, New York comes back to the group, limping and spitting a tooth out on his plate.

"I said, knock it off, eh!" Canada calls from around the counter-top. New York inflates his chest and tells everyone to shut the hell up, even as he coughs up some more blood...and another tooth.

Eventually, Britain crotches France and kicks him in the face. France is down and SEEMINGLY out. Britain is irritated and ticked at those Foolish colonials. Turning about, he strides over to where the US has been throwing meatballs and meat loaf all over his coat, his table, his chair, his hair, and oh, yeah, pizza sauce all over the floor.

Britain slips a little as he nears Virginia, which only irritates him some more. Virginia and Maryland laugh at him and point. Final straw.

Britain reaches out and backhands Maryland away from the table and into the arms of Pennsylvania. Virginia, her face beginning to twist into horror and fear, tries to flee, only to smacked, open handed across the face. The blow throws her over the table and into the middle isle.

The other Colonies, so scrapping for a fight earlier, seem to shrink back in fear. All talk and no walk.

Britain upends Virginia's table and heads up the isle to where the Federal Government sits. A collection of leaders from the various colonies and a buffoon who calls himself a President sits at that table.

At the approach of Britain, everyone flees screaming. Crawling over each other in a panic stricken attempt to flee, they leave most of their stuff behind. A few, knocked to the ground, try to scramble off on their hands and knees.

Britain, with distain on his lips, pulls out a bottle of cheap Irish whiskey. Irish whiskey isn't worth drinking, so Britain pours it all over the Federal table, puffs on his cigar and then flick the ash onto the table, lighting it into an inferno.

He turns towards Pennsylvania and steps up to the table. Pennsylvania trembles but does not run. Britain reaches down to the table and takes a fistful of Brats and sausage and then turns back to the Federal table. Snapping off a chair leg and chewing it into a long skewer, he fixes the Brats and begins to roast them on the fire while all the others could do was watch.

In Europe, France begins to stir and reflexively begin calling for the elimination of Britain.

Sighing, and chewing a Brat in between swallows, Britain pitches the stick in the fire and shoves New York out of the way.

"You punks are lucky, screw with me again and I won't go as easy on you."

The US then began to party and high five each other for driving Britain out of their side of the room.

Time flies and so do the years.

It is 1848 and there is news from New York that most of Europe is burning in revolutionary fire.

The Federals are hard at work, writing and talking and talking and writing. Making and breaking deals with the Indians on the same sheet of paper. California has been added to the table, panning for gold while having a grille made for his teeth.

Texas is a new Republic, impoverished and realizing that perhaps they can't run things on their own. Plenty of scorpions and armadillos, though. They wait patiently for the US to decide if they can join their club. Florida is now a state and barely populated.

The States on the Eastern Seaboard are growing strong and they are growing big on all the people fleeing the turmoil in Europe.

The States are busy and paying no attention at all to the outside world. Slavery is a big issue, as is commerce between the states.

From 1850-1877, the US both fights among themselves and then patches each other up. The world keeps moving, but the US hardly looks outside of itself. Busy with gold, and land, and Alaska, and all that good stuff.

It is not until 1898 that the US takes an interest in other things. A table, close to Florida is called Cuba. It has been crying and sobbing for years, though Florida only now seems to notice. Florida passes up the line telling each state that Spain has been cruel to Cuba, starving Cuba, and taking away their cigars.

The Federal Government decides that with the backing of the various States, they will declare war on Spain. At risk is the Philippines, Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and Cuba.

The US walks over to Spain, who is having a conversation with Portugal, and kicks him in the butt.

Angry, Spain turns around with a butter knife, only to look down the barrel of a cannon.

"You suck." Says the US.

"Ok, we suck." Says Spain.

"Were taking those tables away from you because you are mistreating them."

"Fine, whatever you want. You are the guy with the gun."

The US turns and gathers up the new tables. Britain, still powerful, clucks his tongue and says, "Yankee bullies."

The US points a finger at Britain and says, "Don't piss me off, OLD man." And stalks back to America.

The States are now in a quandary. They can't help but feel like bullies. They did the right thing. Those people were suffering. The States are thinking that even as they have to smack the Philippines back into his chair again and again. Poor fellow is so deluded he thinks he can live in this world without someone taking care of him.
How could Spain have been so cruel to them? The US thinks this even as it smacks him back down again.

From 1899 to 1915, the Federal Government works hard to pull the states closer and closer under its zone of control. For the most part, the states are quiet and peaceful.

New states are being added, oil has been found in Texas and people begin to flock there, now. Scorpions and cacti forgotten.

Michigan builds automobiles and North Carolina builds airplanes with the help of two brothers from Ohio.

After WWI, the US goes back its fields and its railroads. The Feds continue to centralize power and the States begin to find that they have less and less to do. Then an economic depression hits and all the States go into a funk.

In 1940, we see Virginia, sleeping peacefully in her chair. New York is sharpening his switchblade, eyebrows down on eyes that flick from side to side for some reason.

Texas is happy digging in the dirt and exporting oil to other countries. Ohio sleeps with his face in the crook of his elbow, drool pools upon the table surface. Michigan, not selling many cars, has his head tipped back, snoring loudly. Wisconsin watches Michigan in fascination as a snot bubble inflates and deflates. Money is being bet between them and Illinois as to how big it will get before it pops.

The Federal Government continues to grow and take over everything. The states just need to pay taxes and do what they are told. This is how the toads that sit about the Federal table feel.

After WWII, the Federal Government is wide awake and roaming the world. The states are awake too, but find they really don't have much to do, except compete with each other for Federal Tax dollars, earmarks, and expensive projects.

The rest of the world sees only the Federal Government. He struts about, doling money, money there, and some coin over here. He looks like Rodney Dangerfield on a golf course. The Europeans are horrified that this person, THIS person is the one they have to rely on now for money and military power. How low they have fallen.

In 1948, we love Israel and could care less about the Middle East. We dislike the Russians and could care less about China.

In 1956 we tell Hungary to rebel against the Soviets and then sit back while Hungary gets its guts kicked out through his mouth.

In 1968 we wink and nod at Czechoslovakia and tell them that we'll be there to help. We notice a squirrel and wander off just as the Prague Spring turns into a Friday the 13th marathon. Why people kept listening to us is beyond me.

During this whole time, we seem to like Israel.

All through the 1960's, 70', and 80's we seem to be coasting on our good looks and reputation, even as we develop a paunch...and a comb over. The Soviets are getting gray and paunchy too. They are so tired by 1985 that they can't even knock out Afghanistan any longer.

Oh, by 1993, we hate Israel. Then in 2001 we LOVE Israel again. Then we hate, hate, hate...no - LOATH them by 2009. Oh, yes, we Hates Israel...yes we do, precioussss. Iran is good. Israel is bad. Islam is our friend, its issss.

We are particularly schizy these days. The States have finally awoken and don't like that they have a Nanny in the form of the Federal Government. We love our cars and hate our oil. Oh, yeah, some people hate oil, others hate babies. We love our trees and hate our babies, thats right. Space is for movies, now give me a new GPS, I need to find the nearest Burger King to stuff my fat face.

In 2001 we destroy Afghanistan and begin to rebuild them. In 2003 we destroy Iraq and begin to rebuild them. Common factor? Radical Islam and thuggery.

In 2010, Morocco, Tunisia, Libya, and Egypt fall to radical Islam. The US is bored with Iraq and hands the keys over to a Jihadist hiding behind a pair of sunglasses and a sombrero. We wander about in Afghanistan, seemingly forgetting what we are doing there. Islamic revolution is replacing our old allies in the Middle East. So is Islam good, Democracy bad? The brain is addled these days.

I wonder if we will have a coherent nation again some day. The States want to be in control again, but the Feds keep suing them every time they act according to the Constitution. The Judicial is looking for shadows and "intentions" in the Constitution rather than simply reading the damn thing out loud.

Congress flings mashed potatoes and meat balls at each other (oh, I hope those are meat balls) while the Executive ignores what they say and does whatever in the hell it wants to do. Which is often times CONTRARY to our usual American values and traditions.

It seems like every 2, 4, and 6 years we undergo internal transformations. One year we love you, the next year we kill you, and then a year after that we are building a Walmart in your capital. OH, and then we forget all about you again next week.

What a world, what a world.

Live well people. We all love you. No we don't. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE!

--Zavost