The Crusades, Bar Room Style

Upon the Stoa this day, I will attempt to simplify the roots of the Christian Crusades. Why it happened, how it happened, and where it happened.

If we are going to visit the Theater of the Absurd then I must first set the stage.

The date is January 1, 1000 a.d. The populace of Europe is hung over and surprised that the world did not come to an end, as so many thought it would.

Unknown by many, the world had been going through a global warming period. There was more land available for farming and more people being born to live upon it. More food always means more population. England produced the best wine in the world, much to the dismay of France.

Much to the dismay of England, however, was the rise of the Vikings. For generations, the harsh weather of scandinavia limited the number of Vikings outside of their traditional lands. With the warmer weather, their populations exploded. Second born sons needed lands to control and large Viking families needed to be fed and enriched.

Greenland was appropriately named by the Vikings since the sub-continent was green and lush at the time. Oh, and they liked English wine so much they decided to move in for the duration and wreck up the place.

All across Europe, in the first century of the 2nd Millennium of Christ, the population expanded. There were lots and lots of peasants tilling the land for their Lords in the Manor. There were also a lot more Lords. First born sons inherent. Second born sons go into the priesthood. Third born sons tended to become mercenaries. What about the 4th, 5th, and 6th? What happens to them?

Europe was full of fratricide and intrigue. These new nobility needed lands and peasants to rule. So, they fought and died for title and land. In other words, war rippled across Europe constantly as one generation attempted to push out another.

In Rome, the Pope watched with dismay as Europe burned. The Church was the single force that unified the fractious continent. It was the Church that crowned Charlemagne and created the Holy Roman Empire in an attempt to bring more stability to the knights and kings of Europe.

With the exploding population, the Pope decided that there were just too many knights and not enough castles to rule.

So, what is a Pope to do?

The stage is set and the story begins.

Europe is a vast collection of tables, some pushed close together and other scattered about. The East Roman Empire was a large table in the East of the bar with a smattering of smaller tables set up nearby.

A group of people who called themselves the "Turks" had begun to move in and kick over tables all over the Middle East. Tables that the Eastern Romans got to sit at had been take over by the rowdy bunch of Turks. The Romans had been asking the kings of Italy and Europe for help, but that help never came since there wasn't anything in it for them. Why leave your castle if the guy next door was looking to take it from you?

One day, the Pope, after having had to sit down a dozen squabbling princes of Europe and spank them, had an idea. If there was not enough land to rule in Europe, then it was time to look for land outside of Europe.

One day, around 1098 a.d., the fellow sitting in Jerusalem got lead poisoning in the form of a knife across the neck. The chair was pitched to the side, the body dumped, and a Turk put his muddy boots up on the table.

This was the table that Jesus sat at and now a filthy turk was putting up his lousy boots on the table.

At this same time, the Romans lost another table to the Turks. The Great Table of the Romans was being nibbled to death. Again, the Roman leaned over and caught the eye of the Pope, "Yo, can I get some help over here!"

The Pope was currently holding two Germans and an Italian by the scruff of their neck, who had just been beating on each other. The Pope decided that it was time to put his plan into action. With a wink and a nod toward Emperor Alexis of Rome (Constantinople), Innocent began to gather the raucous Europeans together.

Pulling the paper airplane from his beard, and brushing out the food bits that the French had been throwing, the Pope yelled for them all to, "SHUT UP!! Bohemia, put down Moravia!"

He then spoke about how the great table that Jesus ate at has been taken over by the filthy Turks. Pilgrims who had gone to look at the Holy initials carved into the table by the hand of Jesus himself were being killed or robbed. The Turks were not allowing people to see the sandals, the comb, or the dirty dishes of the Last Supper.

No sir, this could not be allowed to stand. The Pope told them all that if they went on a vast Crusade to push the Turk off the table of Jesus that none of their tables could be taken over by another. Nor would any crime be held against them as long as that crime was committed against the Turk.

A cheer went up from European side of the bar. Alexis the Roman was happy. He was going to use the European children to take back tables that he had lost to the Turks.

As the States of Europe swung by his table on the way to Jerusalem, he watched their tall, strapping forms hulk up, bulging with armor and weapons. Gathering around his table he told them to first head into Syria and Lebanon. Then they were to go to Judea and Egypt.

Slurping on a stein of Ale, one of the German Princes nodded and said that they were there for Jerusalem and not Syria. If Rome wanted Syria back, they could do it themselves.

While arguing with this German Prince, Alexis noticed that some of the Crusaders started mugging Cyprus, Lebanon, Acre, and Tyre. As they fell, the English, French, and Spaniards began to move in and set up shop.

Those tables were supposed to be Constantinople's tables, not to be kept by the barbarous European snots.

With some more prodding, several Crusaders began to round the corner and head towards Jerusalem. Some Arabs and Turks tried to stop them but were no match for the juiced up, hulking savages from Europe.

Beating down their opponents with glee, the Crusaders swept upon the Turk at Jerusalem.

The Turk stood up and told the approaching Europeans that he would allow pilgrims to gaze upon the dirty dishes of the Last Supper, and pray upon the holy initials carved in the wood. He would even allow them to see the blood stains on the floor from where Jesus was hung above.

Without slowing down the English hit the Turk high, the French hit the Turk low, and the German came in flying over the pile with his elbow coming down upon the now-prostrate Turk. With tongues wagging frantically, the Crusaders tore into the Turk. The table was flipped, the chairs scattered. Blood flew everywhere, Christian, Muslim, Jew, dog, cat, budgie, you name it. If it could be cut down by a sword, the Crusaders did their best to do so.

With the Turk vanquished, the Crusaders began to set the table back up and replace the chairs. It was not long before more scuffing and cursing came from that corner as the Germans, the English, and the French could not agree on WHO got to sit in the main chair. Constant fighting and squabbling ensued. Turks that got too close to Jerusalem would see the Crusaders quickly unite again and go on a Turk hunt.

As the years passed, more and more Crusaders came to the Holy Land. As more recruits were needed, various Popes would call a full Crusade. Sometimes, the Crusades were used by the Pope to send away a particularly troublesome Prince or King to learn a lesson.

As with all things, your zealots always will go first to the religious cause. As the waves of Crusaders continued over the next several centuries, the follow on waves got less and less pious. Less and less committed to the Christian cause.

In fact, so many books and prisoners had been brought back to Europe that they began to realize that the learning of the Arabs was ACTUALLY the continuation and preservation of the ancient European heritage as bequeathed to them by the Western and Eastern Roman Empire. Many of the buildings the Arabs had put up were newer buildings on the foundations of older Greek, Roman, or Egyptian structures.

Books and scrolls, the knowledge of the ancients was being translated from Greek and Roman, and Arabic into the vulgar versions of the descendants of ancient Latin, like Italian, Spanish and English. The world opened up to the great European nobility and they realized that they had been the puppets of the Pope for a good long time.

The Crusaders grew up. They did not necessarily get more peaceful. Noooo way. They did get clever, though.

Eventually, Jerusalem fell back into the hands of the Turks, and again, Constantinople called upon the Pope for aid. The Eastern Romans had continued to shrink, as the Turkish big brother, the Seljuks, and their even meaner cousins, the Ottomans, began to push deeper into old Asia Minor.

Constantinople had learned a long time ago not to invite the Crusaders in for tea and biscuits. Best to move them on their way as fast as possible into the direction of the Holy Land.

The date was 1204 a.d., and the Europeans had matured, just a little. They had matured enough to know that sacking Jerusalem again was not going to make the Arab issue go away. As long as the Arabs allowed pilgrims to continue to visit the Holy Land, then they would not take issue with them eating at the table of Jesus.

This latest major Crusade, the 4th, gathered and marched half way to Jerusalem and then camped near Constantinople. The Eastern Romans had wanted the Crusaders to punch their way Eastward over land and liberate the tables they had lost to the Turks over the last century.

Instead, the Crusaders muddled about and decided to take ships directly to Egypt and then to Jerusalem. While this was going on, the Crusaders were eating all the food that was coming to the table and were really making a mess.

Constantinople began to get more and more insisting that they move on. The bill was already large and he was living more and more on a fixed income as the Turks nibbled away at his Empire.

Then, one day while France, England, and Germany were chatting with the Sicilians and the Venetians, it dawned on them that none of them were really doing this for the Pope or for religious zealotry, they were doing this for fame and fortune.

Constantinople was a famous place. Constantinople held a fortune in gold and jewels. Venice wanted to control more of the merchant shipping in the Mediterranean Sea and had an interest in seeing Constantinople brought low.

The Italians and the Germans looked at each other and decided that if it was fame and fortune that they were after then they didn't have to walk all the way to Jerusalem, they could just take both here.

As Constantinople was getting ships ready to transport the Crusaders, shadows fell upon his table. On his left he saw some Norwegian, slapping an axe in his palm. Next was a Dane and a German scraping dirt out from under their fingernails with long swords. In front of him were the Italians and the Sicilians looking hungrily down at the gold on the table. To his right were other German and Spanish princes measuring the table's dimensions, as if they were going to put their own table cloths upon it.

"Guys, guys, I'll have shipping available for you shortly...guys, guys, hey!!"

The Crusaders piled upon Constantinople and sacked him as savagely as they had sacked Jerusalem two centuries earlier. The streets ran thick with the blood of its citizens. Houses burned, libraries destroyed...the priceless accumulation of ancient wisdom perished in that sacking. Only the sacking and burning of the Great Library at Alexandria rivaled the loss of ancient knowledge that was lost at Constantinople.

After days of looting, the table of Constantinople was finally set back up. A new fellow, Italian from the looks of him, was sitting there picking idly at some meat caught between his teeth with a dagger. Most of the Crusaders were heading home, their pockets and sacks bulging with artifacts, money, and all the salted bar nuts they could carry.

The Turks had braced for an attack that never came. Instead, they sat at and by their tables, mouths agape at this horrible looting of the most powerful citadel of Christendom. Some were glad that their traditional enemy to the North had been dealt a mortal blow, while others were glad that this army had not marched through their part of the bar. As powerful as the Arabs were, they saw European power continue to rise through the centuries. The truly wise among them knew they were going to need to evolve in the future to keep apace with them. They had been saved only by the greed and power lust inherent within the European political system.

It was not long after this that the great wars of religion spread about Europe. It was not about Eastern Orthodox or Western Orthodox, it became about Catholicism vs. Protestantism.

Entire regions of Europe were practically depopulated during these wars. The Arabs and Turks had a respite for the time being. The Mongols also caused some chaos, but that is another story.

The Crusades forced the Pope and the Church to evolve. Unwittingly, the church had sewn the seeds of change by sending of the surplus knights to fight for Christ.

The Princes of Europe realized that they had been fighting and dying for centuries for a Pope that was simply using them. For a church that enriched itself on their blood and misery. The Catholic Church evolved. The Protestant Reformation forced this. The Church of today no longer has political influence. Likewise, the thinkers of the day realized how political power could be corrupted by religion. They determined that the ideal state would maintain a Separation between Church and State.

Sound familiar?

By the time the Renaissance was in full swing in Europe, say 1500 a.d., a lot of maturing had taken place.

The bar looked quite different. All of the Crusader tables in the Middle East were gone. The Turks were united under the Ottomans. The Byzantine Romans got Constantinople back but then lost it again, forever, in 1453. The Southern and Eastern end of the bar were all Arab Muslim or Turkish Muslim.

The tables that made up Spain had pushed out all of the Arabs by 1492. The bodies were stacked everywhere. The Europeans were dumping the casualties of religious war out the window. The Ottomans were still cleaning up all the glass that had been smashed when they took the Constantinople table. Egypt and Northern Africa were struggling with rebellion and intrigue caused by the blending of politics and religion inherent within the Muslim faith.

France and England had settled their borders, Germany and Italy continued to be fractious and bloody. Europe still seethed with warfare, but there was now growth instead of mindless bloodshed.

By 1500, Europe was no longer looking to the Middle East, but instead looked Westward. The boundless energies that Europe seemed to possess were now being spent exploring the world and bringing new lands into the European sphere. By the early 1600's, European influence was spreading over two new continents.

Were the Crusades bloody? Oh, yes. Did Europe grow? Absolutely. Did the Muslims learn anything? Not really. The divorce of Politics from Religion and the re-connection of the West with the knowledge of the Ancients, propelled the modern world into its current shape.

So, there you have it. Muddy, yes. Funny? Not as much.

Live well, everyone.

--Zavost