Revolutionary War Bar Scene

Upon the Stoa this night I must discuss the Revolutionary War as if it were between people in a bar. This should be interesting.

Ok, so we are turning the clock back about another 165 years to 1750. The United States has yet to be born. Britain and France are the major powers in the world at this time. Germany and Italy are both patchworks of smaller nations, squabbling and warring upon one another.

What will become the United States are 13 colonies that are seated at the Great British table. The British have been gathering colonies and nations to its table for quite some time in an attempt to have both more friends and a bigger table than France.

The Spanish are old and enfeebled while the Ottoman Turks are at the height of their vigor, never to have more power than they had at the gates of Vienna.

The British and the French had brawled and fought off and on for decades and decades. Currently they are locked into a vicious arm wrestling match with daggers pointed up from the surface of the table below their hands. Their proxies, the lesser people at their tables have been fighting the hardest, trying to pull one another to different parts of the bar and to force them to sit at other tables.

The colonies, especially Virginia, New York, and Massachusetts were eager to show their loyalty to Britain and sit closer to the head of the table. They took extra classes in warfare and polished up on their knife fighting. Heck, they even pulled on the leashes of the Indians tied to their chairs and asked them for some pointers on how to fight the French and their Indian allies that caused so much trouble.

Britain, however, looked down on the "Colonials" as much as the Colonies looked down upon their Indian allies. Britain felt that the "children" that sat at his table lacked the sophistication and education to properly fight the French on their terms and relegated the "provincials" to scouting and Indian fighting. This did not sit well with Colonies who felt that they were every bit the equal of the British.

By 1753, the colonial states had successfully beaten or bullied the Indians that were allied with the French. Tying some of them up the various colonial chairs at the British Great Table, others they threw out of the bar. A few, they threw out of second floor windows.

By all accounts, the "provincials" did a great job. The bar tab was high, though. The French did not go down easy, the fight at the bigger table was nasty and wrecked the place a great deal. The fighting in the corner did not involve the Great Powers that much. Most of it fought by proxies, such as the colonies and the Indians.

Britain did not have the money to pay off this tab, despite adding many new chairs to its table. In fact, it found that all these new people sitting at their table were actually COSTING him more money. No sir, this could not last.

So, to help pay down this bill, Britain was going to take a more active role in the personal finances of everyone who sat at his table. First, he was going to make it more expensive to sit at this table. Also, you had no choice to BUT to sit at his table. Each member was going to have to pay more for protection and personal defense.

The Colonies lived in a spacious, undeveloped area and were able to grow their income every year, however, what really began to happen was that Britain continued to make it more and more expensive to sit at the table. The Colonies were even told one day that they could not PRODUCE anything. If they chopped down a tree and wanted to make a piano out of it, they were forbidden from making that piano. Instead, they had to ship the wood to Britain where they would make the piano and the colony would then buy the finished product.

Well, hell, it was always cheaper to make it yourself then to buy it from someone who lived so far away. They could not even make their own shoes, for crying out loud.

Sticking around with the British was beginning to get onerous and the colonies began to talk about making their own table. Britain sat wwaaaayyyy over there and the colonies got sick of supporting his fat butt while he called the colonies lazy and unsophisticated.

Some of the colonies thought it was a good idea to make their own table. There was plenty of wood around. Wood they could chop, and plenty of smashed tables and chairs from the recent brawl. Others felt that Britain had done good by them and that they owed it to Britain to remain loyal in the face of so many enemies.

Now we are at 1773 and Britain is really needing more cash to pay off its growing commitments. The number of chairs at the table continued to grow and it always took time for the money to come with the new chair. The richest people at the table were the colonies, so Britain began to tax everything from the nails in their shoes to the tea they drank.

Enough was enough. The colonies, despite their misgivings of loyalty, began to complain louder and louder to Britain. Instead of paying attention to the colonies, he told them to shut up and get back to work. He was hungry and had more bills to pay.

Britain may have been dismissive but he was not stupid. One day, he went to the Massachusetts colony and told them to hand over all their guns. He trusted them, of course, but they didn't really need all those guns since HE was there to protect them from all their enemies.

Needless to say, Massachusetts disagreed. Even as Britain tried to yank the gun from Massachusetts' hands, the gun went off. To this day, no one knows if Massachusetts pulled the trigger or if Britain accidentally fired their own gun.

The damage was done. After Britain wiped off the burnt black powder from his face, picked up the dented crown and looked for his collar button that had been blown off; he pointed a finger at Massachusetts and said, "You know of course, this means war!"

Even those that did not want to fight with Britain knew that they had to defend themselves. Canada, created after the last great fight, was a great friend of Britain, and the Northern Colonies watched him closely.

Each side began to line up their allies. The Canada and their Indians. Britain and their Indians. The colonies and their Indians. The Colonies even began to ask the major powers of Europe if they would like to help them in their bid for freedom from the table of Britain.

All of the powers thought that the Colonies were very naive to think that they would help them. If they helped bust up Britain like that, who is to say that others may seek to break up their great tables? Heck, no, colonies, you are on your own.

New York, ready for a scrap, charged North at Canada. They were going to knock them out of the fight quickly and make them join the colonial table. New York rounded the bar, out of sight of the rest. A great commotion took place with chairs and bottles smashing all over the place.

Finally, after one last crash, New York comes back, limping and bleeding. His nose is broken, both eyes are blacked, and a shoe is missing. The left one, I believe.

From behind the bar they hear, "knock it off, eh?"

New York tells everyone else to shut up and begins wipe the blood off his face.

Since Britain still had enemies in the European part of the bar, they wanted to stay close to home. Instead of coming directly at the Colonies, they instead paid the German state of Hesse to bust us up.

The German state was scrappy, all right. It came in, hat cocked forward and yelled, "Wir sind hier zu stampfen Sie!"

They began stomping through New York, Pennsylvania, and Delaware. Generally causing a ruckus and being a pain in their collective butts. They never were able to pin any of those colonies into a decisive fight, though. They would come in, sometimes at night, and wreck up the place. Then they would march out to fight. We would snipe at them from the trees. They would yell at us to fight like men.

We would say you are a stupid man to stand there in the open and get shot at like that.

The colonies would then dodge and weave from table to table, hiding behind one another while a third colony would poke the Hessians with a fork in the behind. This went on for some time until the Hessians started busting up New Jersey. That night, after New Jersey had been spanked and roughed up a bit for flipping of Britain, the Hessians partied. They drank as only Germans can drink while being paid to rip up someone else's house.

Several of the Colonies got together that night, in the cold snow and ice, with the intent of de-panting the Hessians. One panty raid later and the Hessians were standing in their long johns, freezing. The Colonies taunting them from across the river with their pants held high, fluttering in the breeze upon a bayonet.

Embarrassed, many of the Hessians decided to give up the fight and simply live with the colonies.

Britain, ticked off about spending all that money and still having to put up with the taunts from across the bar, decided to get nasty. Britain pulled up his pants, wiped the meat juices from his chins and began to move towards the ramshackle and shoddy Colonial tables.

The French, amused at all the consternation the colonies were causing the British decided to follow close over the British shoulder to see for himself.

The porkulent British ruler shouted at the colonies during the entire walk over. He attempted to grab one colony while kicking another. He missed both. Tripping, he accidentally sat on New York. New York squealed under the weight of Britain, but the other colonies could do nothing. Instead, they did the same thing with Britain that they did with Hesse.

The colonies ran amok, running this way and that while Britain huffed and puffed in pursuit. Occasionally, he would clip one of the colonies and send them spinning, but for the most part, Britain continued to run all over the place while the French rolled around on the floor laughing themselves silly. Their great adversary being humiliated by a bunch of children running willy nilly about the bar. What a MAROON!

New York, unable to roll out from under the box lunch that Britain had left behind on his back, yelled for help. The Southern Colonies jabbed a pitchfork in Britain's butt, which got his attention in a big way.

South Carolina, North Carolina, and Virginia started to get roughed up by a highly irate Britain.

The burst of energy from Britain took its toll, however. Panting, red-faced, and facing a serious sugar crash, Britain began to take one jab after another from the Colonies. They were not running any longer.

Punch after punch, knee cap after knee cap, the colonials began to make Britain sting. Then, finally, Britain tries to punch out Virginia with one final haymaker blow. Swinging wildly, Virginia ducks and punts Britain in the crotch.

France, deciding to get involved in all the fun, kneels down behind Britain while the Colonials give Britain one final shove.

Britain falls backwards, over France's back, and into the bowl of Sour Cream and Onion chip dip. For good measure, France blows his nose and throws the tissue upon Britain. France was laughing so hard they were practically crying. Thus the runny nose, and thus the tissue upon Britain.

Embarrassed and salty, Britain throws up his arms and yells, "Fine" and then limps away, trailing chip dip and waving his hand, frantically trying to get the tissue off his hand.

The US makes one big table of its own by nailing all the smaller tables together. Over time, they plan on enlarging the table and making it out of better, stronger wood. They thank France and wish them well.

France, still chuckling at Britain's misfortune, wipes a tear out of one eye. Upon returning the tissue to his pocket he notices several people at his table. They are holding axes and torches. One fellow stands near a scaffold with a huge blade at the top, slowing curling his index finger at France, "come on...come on home...". His name plate read Rob S. Pierre.

He seemed like a nice fellow, though France could not restrain an involuntary gulp of the throat.

The US, still waving at France turns around to begin work on their new table, even as a loud "chink, whomp, thump, thump, thump" comes from France's table. Something shadowy rolling away under another table.

So, there you go. France loses out, just as the major powers thought would happen if they got involved. Britain was humiliated and tried again in 1812 to bring the "colonials" to heel, with similar results, though. France played a big part in that story also.

I wonder which period in history the little tyrant will have me write about next.

Obama is rolling up the Constitution and smoking weed with it. The FCC is going to start putting names with everyone on the Internet, nothing to worry about there. Obama gets the right to imprison anyone for anything as long as HE feels they are a danger to national security and my daughter has me writing fluff.

Well, it is more fun to write fluff anyhow. I just have to hope that there is a beer bottle with Obama's name on it in the next brawl. Unfortunately, the GOP contenders are pigmies. Guess we'll see this November.

Live well.

--Zavost