Foamy Awards for November 23, 2011

Ah, it is a warm, if wet night upon the Stoa. Water, water, everywhere. Wonderful stuff. Which brings me, in part, to the newest winners of the Foamy Award.

Yes, my daughter has located TWO more honorable recipients of the new award. I'm not at all afraid that she will run out of candidates if she keeps finding them this quickly.

The first award goes to the Department of Education and the Department of Agriculture. Honorable mentions also go to the variety of lobbyists who made it all possible.

Why, you ask? Michelle Obama has been the Food Czar since she was elected and has been mucking up with everything tasty, just don't get between her and a plate of ribs. New regulations that she ordered created will wipe the beloved pizza from the menu at schools all around the country. The very pizza that I grew up with and the pizza that my children now eat at their schools.

Oh, the uproar. How do we get out of the snare of our own making!

If you can massacre the language so that Black means Socialist, you can word your way out of this dilemma, right? Never fear, the lobbyists and their ilk are working over the government regulators who are set to enforce these stupid rules. Apply a generous helping of money, some political pressure and a dash of media polish and you get an ingenious solution to the problem.

That burnt dough, floating in a pool of its own grease is not pizza. What were you thinking? The cheese is class C quality and the "meat" is the main ingredient in a Weenie Tot. How could you mistake that for pizza. What you are really looking at is several servings of VEGETABLES! Yes indeed. The tomato paste, sauce, or whatever it is, will now constitute the major ingredient of "pizza".

Oh how we have fallen. Next thing you will have to swallow is that my SUV, a Nissan X-Terra will be called a light truck..oh, wait. Never mind.

This Foamy goes to you, you weenie tots.

The second award goes to the European Union. No, not for economics, though they can sweep the category cleanly. No, this is for yet another mangling of language. The legal arm of the EU has now stated that manufacturers of bottled water must never state on their bottles that, "the consumption of water will reduce the likelihood of dehydration". So lets get this straight. The wizards of smart in Northern Italy, responsible for this new regulation, are making it illegal to tell someone that drinking water will help keep you hydrated. Rrrriiiiiiiiiggggghhhhttt.

Let's ponder this for a moment. Water. Hydrate. Fire Hydrant. Hydro. Dehydration. Hold it, I think I'm onto something here. A person in the desert can die in a matter of hours of...dehydration. The loss of water due to sweating in an attempt to cool their core temperatures. Dehydration. Loss of water. Man, this is tough. So let's see. If I drink a bottle of water will I, A: live another hour, or B: die a horrible, delirium filled death. Hmmm, I think I'll drink the water.

Come on, really? In what realm of reality to you people over there occupy? You sit there with a straight face and tell people that drinking water has nothing to do with your level of healthy hydration?! Man, if I were Foamy I'd be jumping up and down with both fingers in the air. Hell, I'd even moon you! Enjoy your Foamy, you nimrods!

However, that is not dignified enough for a modern Stoic. I'll let my daughter do it. Well, except the mooning part.

I think I'll go do something else right now and get my mind off the idiocy radiating out of Europe these days. I wonder if those same folks are helping out the European economists?

Live well.

--Zavost