Modern Hetalia, Part II

Once again atop the Stoa, a point will be made while wrapped in an entertaining outer coating.

My daughter asked several questions about how things got to the EU burning and why Obama is pulling down the shades on the American public. I will seek to inform and entertain, and perhaps make you laugh while you learn. Enjoy.

Let's go to the EU Cul-de-sac. In this neighborhood, you have the Europeans. Asia, both Russian and Asian-Asia are behind them. Africa and the Middle East are on the other side of the rail road tracks that run along Southern Europe. Africa and the Middle East also embody what it means to "live on the other side of the tracks".

Across the street is the United States and on each side, reside Mexico and Canada. Central and South America are in nearby neighborhoods down the road.

The neighborhood was much changed over the last 70 years. Europe had been destroyed, along with much of Russia at the end of 1945. Germany especially. Their yard looked like the lunar landscape when the Allies were done with it in May, 1945.

As they began to dig out from all the rubble and rebuild, they traded gold to the United States for currency to begin the rebuilding process, since they were all in debt and badly damaged. The Marshall Plan extended huge amounts of liquidity for the Europeans to rebuild their homes. We "held onto" their gold and then printed up the necessary dollars that they were then able to use to rebuild and convert into their native currencies.

Thus, the formal rise of the dollar as the world's reserve currency.

Over the years, the Europeans thought about either normalizing labor and trade practices or going to a unified currency, imaginatively called the "Euro". They would have been better off limiting the unionization of their nations...but that is another story for another time.

France, Germany and Great Britain played tug-of-war with the rest of Europe and its financial policy, each trying to become the dominant economic power on the continent.

As usual, reality started to catch up to the Europeans and they began to figure out, Great Britain first, that Germany was still larger and more powerful than the rest of Europe put together. When the British realized this, they grabbed on to their venerable "Pound Sterling" with both hands and said, "we'll trade with you, but we will neither join the EU, nor will we join the common currency."

Over this time, their Empire dissolved. Their moral and economic ability to maintain the Empire waned and they realized that simply maintaining their identity within a European Framework was now jeopardized. The Faulkland War, fought in the early 80's against Argentina, a 3rd tier military power, was a slugfest, with too many British naval assets being destroyed and too many of its young men dying on a spit of windswept, sheep inhabiting slab of rock near the Antarctic landmass. It was a wake up call telling them that they were not the power that they once were.

This is when Britain slowly began to pull away from the problems of Europe and began hanging out on the recliner in the United State's living room. Constantly trying to tell the Americans how wonderful Soccer really was and that the passion of Empire has been replaced with the passion of Soccer and Cricket.

America could not help from chuckling every time Britain told him that Cricket was an actual sport.

France, never one to allow reality to interfere with policy, continued to pull, push, and whine to Germany about power sharing. France continued to unionize, continued to travel the path of Democratic Socialism, and to invite everyone who wanted to come to France, to come to France.

Germany did some of this for a while and then realized that many of the Turks, and Asians coming to live in Germany were not "Germanizing" properly and began to tighten up requirements. They also began to tighten up, on their own, economic and labor practices necessary to remain a power into the 21st century.

Rather than tighten up labor laws, the Union decided to go after a unified currency. This meant that poorer homes, like those owned by Iceland, Greece, and Portugal, suddenly found their currency having a higher intrinsic value than their old drachmas and whatever. Interest rates were low and credit was backed by the European Central Bank. What could go wrong?

It did not take long for Greece to put in a swimming pool and reseed their front yard. Iceland got a new car. Heck, they got 5 new cars, even though only three people lived in the house. Portugal and Spain began to build and build onto their homes. They added on entire wings to house visitors and tourists who would come to hang out in their yards.

Italy, France, Spain, The Netherlands, and others used the pooled resources to borrow and spend their way into an artificial prosperity.

The party could not last though. The visitors did not show up as much as they thought, and all those new buildings that had gone up were mostly empty. Some of the homes that hosted the Olympic games now had venues that were grassy and decrepit. They had build for nations ten times their size and prosperity and there simply was not enough money or people to make any of their work profitable.

First, Iceland went bankrupt. Then Ireland. Greece, Portugal and Italy were next. France, panicking, began to loan money to these countries and begged Germany to do the same.

The money went in, but the homes continued to fall into foreclosure. Germany saw good money going after bad and began to cut off the flow of money. Then France had a shock and nearly went bankrupt. Only America, with the promise of unlimited dollars was able to keep France from going under.

We now join the EU in their back yards on the day that it all fell apart.

Germany, always the serious business type, sat behind a HUGE mahogany desk under a shade tree. His home, behind the tree, still looked pretty good. France, next door, looked good too, though on closer inspection one would see the peeling paint and rust beginning to take over. Britain had the lights off and the shades drawn. Many wondered if he still lived over there.

France stood near Germany, a growing crowd of neighbors gathered about him. Italy and Spain loomed over the effete Frenchman.

"You need to make more Euros available for borrowing," Italy said. "Yeah, we need more money to fund our healthcare. The unions will go on strike if we don't give them a raise," Spain chimed in.

Greece was trying to push its way to the front, but Slovakia just swung her bottom around and hip-checked him over onto his backside.

"Friends, friends, please be patient. Germany and I are working out the finances right now. You must be patient. We have loaned a lot of money out and we have seen nothing come back. We can not loan forever. Sooner or later you have to pay us back," the Frenchman yelled at the shouting crowed.

A beer bottle, probably thrown by Belgium, broke over France's head. He went down flat faster than in May, 1940.

The crowd surged over him and formed a semi-circle around the big, Teutonic desk.

The German, a big man, was hunched over his desk. There was no computer upon it. He scribbled with a large feather quill and had two big stacks of paper, one on each side. The paper appeared to be parchment as opposed to paper.

The German paid no more attention to them now then when France was doing the talking.

Torches were lit to guard against the growing onset of darkness. Still the German scribbled at his desk.

The shouting died down while they waited for Germany to recognize the fact that they were there.

With due diligence to the document he was working on, Germany finished a paper and set it on the other stack. He looked up and around the desk at the crowed.

He reached over and took a torch away from Malta and lit the candles on his desk. He handed the torch back to Malta.

"Vat is it you need?" he asked in an even voice.

Only after the candles were lit could they see the scars and pock marks on his face. A strong and powerfully built face. There was signs of age and wear on it. He was starting to get cheeky, but that was only because moving the East Germans into his home had caused him to eat cheaper, less healthy foods for more than 20 years. Even after all the time that had passed, the scars of WWI and WWII were still visible.

Italy was the first to speak up, "we need more access to credit to keep our trains going."

Germany looked at him evenly. To his credit, the Italian did not wilt.

"Go to the bond market. Ask the Americans. Ask the Chinese. Why come to me?" he said evenly again.

"They won't lend us anymore money. You are the largest member of the European Central Bank. You have to make it lend us more money!" The Italian began to yell.

The German, expressionless, slapped his hand upon the desk. The sudden clap jolted everyone back into silence.

"The ECB is nothing more than the accumulation of European wealth. Germany puts in the most money. Germany has given and loaned hundreds of billions of Euros to get your finances back in order. If you are still in trouble, then you need to find other money."

The Italian turned red with fury. "Its not fair that you have all that money and we don't!" he screamed.

The crowd got loud again.

Germany, without raising his voice said, "We saw where things were going ten years ago and took appropriate measures. You failed to take those measures and now you must pay for your irresponsible behavior. The German people are NOT responsible for your debt."

The Slovak bobbed her head up and down in agreement. She suffered much to be able to join the EU and the monetary union. She did not think it fair that she should have had to jump over so many hurdles to join just to have to watch half of the membership go bankrupt.

Spain, Italy, Portugal, Ireland and Iceland all began shouting at the same time, "You owe us that money as being part of the EU...we all are in the same monetary union, you must spread that wealth around....we don't have to listen to you, we are equal...you could not take us by force in WWII and now you want to take us over with money!"

They all yelled over each other. The last comment made Germany show some emotion for the first time.

He stood up, towering over everyone. The crowed backpedaled to make room.

"Look at you. You are sniveling, whining, irresponsible dregs! Why would I WANT you?" Germany was getting worked up now.

"If I had conquered you, we would not be in this mess. You would all be running smoothly, just as I am. You would not have overbuild, or over borrowed. You had to call on the United States and look where we are now, hmmmmm?"

The others bristled in their indignation.

Grass and torches were being flung in the air as countries shouted to be heard.

Germany sat back down and picked up his quill, calming himself.

"This is a mess you made and a mess that you will have to clean up. Germany will no longer fund your ill-discipline."

The crowd surged to his desk and began so shove it.

Germany grew thunderously angry and began to speak as he stood, "You insolent brats! I'll take on anyone who wants to fight!!"

Some nations back peddled, like Slovakia and Finland, but the indigent and desperate nations facing the abyss with nothing to lose began to charge Germany in a fit of insanity. France remain unconscious and oblivious. It was his only defense.

Germany stood straight and brought both arms up to fight.

"Ich sehe ein, zwei, drei... oh, scheisse."

Germany was literally buried under the indigent nations of Europe, each demanding some of the money that Germany had. Ignorant of the realization that all the money in the world was not going to "bail" them out.

In fits of rage, houses began to catch fire. Fences were pulled down, bushes torn out. Cars were flipped and trees cut down.

The Chinese came to the windows of their Megaplex apartment buildings to see what all the ruckus was about. The Arabs and Africans began to press against the fences near the rail road tracks, eager for the looting that always follows a dust up like this.

During this fit of insanity, Belgium, Greece, Italy, Spain, and Portugal looked across the street. They only wanted to have the same kind of life the Americans led. No, not just like them, they wanted a more "just and equitable" life, but to be as happy as Americans and it just never came to be.

Why should they be so happy when THEIR world was falling apart?

Across the street they noticed a light on in the living room, the flicker of a TV in the background.

A face was in the window looking out at them. America was there! They would help, they always had in the past!!!

The blind came down over the light. The porch light went out.

Disbelief turned into fear which turned into terror. America was not going to help! It was all their fault anyhow! Europe was doing just fine before America showed them that they could live good too. How dare they!

The mob began to turn its attention across the street, even as the Russians, Chinese, and Arabs began to climb the fences and move into Europe...

Hope you enjoyed this. There may be more to come, but that part has not unfolded yet. I'll be here to write about it, though.

Live well.

--Zavost.