Modern Politics, Bar Room Style

This day upon the Stoa, I would like to place the current global political goings-on in this reframed format. I was perusing the American Spectator last night before bed, and something may have gotten stuck in my Cerebrum as when it collided with a news article being read over the radio, something clicked.

Too often I hear something and it makes me want to laugh until I realize that these are the people who will determine my economic and political future. Then I almost cry. But I'm a guy, and we don't cry. Stoics don't cry either, so stop looking at me funny.

Once again, we find ourselves in a vast open space, with wide stepped areas like a gentle sports area. Scattered about this open space are clusters of tables. Some tables, like the United States and the European Union, are vast clumps of tables and chairs and wandering people, represented by the leader of that cluster. In the United States it is currently Barack Hussein Obama. In Europe that person is...hold on, it changed again....I'll have to get back to you.

Other tables, like that of North Korea are set in a tent, locked away from everyone. A rabid little man pokes his head out constantly with a shotgun in both hands, mumbling something about people trying to take his stuff.

In the vast Middle East, some tables have one person, others have many. Some have piles of weapons on them and others are surrounded by sandbags...like Israel. The only way you can see Israel is to look for its flag poking up out of the battlements. The Arab world throwing bottles and feces at the battlements daily.

At the end of one of the tables, Iran, sits a man who at first glance must be hammered, then you think that he is sober...then you're just not sure and that just creeps you out. Especially since he seems to be building an atomic bomb; winking at you every so often.

So on this world stage we will start at 2009. The first full year of President Barack H. Obama. The smartest man to EVER sit in the White House. The SMARTEST MAN EVER to inhabit the entire freaking planet Earth. He and his henchmen, and women, prepare to "reset" the image of the United States in the world community.

The janitor of the joint drives a zamboni around the tables of the United States trying to clean up all the glitter, hoopla, trash (human and otherwise) that has accumulated since the great anointing, er, inauguration. A new man now represents the United States and he is determined to repair the image of the United States in the world.

The United States is a collection of 50 tables (not 57), with other, smaller tables that choose to sit closely with us. Each table has a leader and each table also sends representatives to the "Federal" table, to coordinate the whole. There are 535 people crammed about that table, throwing paper airplanes, food, and sometimes each other about. Out of all that noise, some common purpose must emerge and be represented in the person of Barack H. Obama.

One of the first things Obama does is to send Hillary Clinton, his new Secretary of State to Russia to try to repair relations that soured under "W". Now, first you must ask yourself, why did they sour? Well, "W" was holding them accountable. "W" was not letting them push an agenda that hurt the United States in particular and the World in general. "W" told them not to invade other tables, to play nice with others, and stop giving weapons to little twerps who end up shooting innocent people accidentallyonpurpose. The bastard.

Obama decided to change all that. Hillary went over to the Russian table and met with Vladimir Putin, effective dictator of Russia. Virtual Tsar. Past Colonel of the KGB in East Germany. You know, a lovable and kind man.

They exchanged pleasantries, drinks, and business cards. She told Putin what Obama wished to accomplish, smiled, and then handed him a symbolic button that looked just like the "That Was Easy" Staples button, only it was supposed to say "Reset" in Russian.

Putin took the button and handed it to his aid without any expression on his face. His aid looked down at the button and arched an eyebrow, but otherwise did nothing.

Hillary, satisfied with herself went back to the United States and gave her staff of Ultra-Intelligent brains a huge high-five.

Putins' aid pitched the button over his shoulder and in the trash saying, "Putz". One, the button actually said "recharge" in Russian, and Two, the Russians found such an expression, the gifting of a talking button, childish in the extreme. They eyed Hillary as she stalked back to her table in her man-pants.

Next, Obama went to England to pitch back to them their statue of Churchill. See, Obama disliked that fellow tremendously and having such a man of character stare at him in the Oval office was freaking him out.

So, he met the queen and tousled her hair and told her that it was her pleasure to meet him. He handed her an iPod, pre-loaded with 7 hours of his inspirational speeches and a box load of Beta-max video tapes of his favorite movies, patted her on the head again and then marched out to the people of England and reminded them that he is the world's President and not just that of the United States. He is the man that they have been waiting for. The crowd went wild.

The Queen was not amused.

Barack then went to Cairo, Egypt and gave a rousing speech. Rousing for the Islamists and concerning to the sitting government. The government that had been an ally in a sea of discontent. The ally that was buying a lot of our military equipment. The government that actually made a statement that they were NOT going to destroy Israel. The Islamists cheered and cheered.

Israel was not amused.

Egypt was not amused.

Folks wondered why he didn't go to Israel first. He made it a point to actually ignore them.

Then it was off to Saudi Arabia to meet the King. Upon meeting the King, Barack bowed deeply in a sign of honor and respect. He pledged his unending support of Saudi Arabia and the preservation of Islamic faith and freedom in the United States.

He then flew back to his own table.

The King of Saudi Arabia was both perplexed and unamused.

Getting back home, his financial guy, Geitner, told him that we were so far in debt, our grandchildren would still be paying on the INTEREST of the current debt. With bated breath he asked the great and wise Obama what they should do.

With a snap of his finger, Obama declared that "W" didn't spend enough money, and he certainly didn't spend it "smartly". So, the obvious answer was to borrow twice as much as he did in 2008, and THEN, DOUBLE that in 2010. That should fix it.

Obama's followers cheered and cheered.

Obama then met with Iran, the cooky dude who no one could figure out if he was drunk, drugged, or sober.

The meeting was interesting. Obama came in and held his hand out to shake. The odd little man refused, saying that Obama might poison him with a dermal poison patch. Obama laughed and then asked him what he had hidden under the tarp. The little man got twitchy and said, "nothin'". Obama smiled and said, "of course". Obama looked about the Iranian table and praised the freedom that he could see. He praised the educational standards, the freedom that woman had, and the religious tolerance on display.

The little man responded by saying that there is no such thing a homosexual in Iran. Obama smiled and went to pat him on the head in a fatherly way. The little man squirreled back and yelled again about the poison patch on Obama's skin.

Obama asked if he was going to play nice with world and the little man responded, "DEATH TO ISRAEL!" Obama smiled and said, "why, thats nice," and turned about to head back to the US, a piece of paper fluttered from his back that said, "KICK ME!". Maine and New York pulled it from his back and showed Barack. Barack only laughed and said, "why, that scamp!" and went off to visit China.

Obama went to China, who sat in his large chair leaning back on two legs, feet up on the table. A toothpick in his teeth, money lay piled behind the chair and all about the table. People in non-descript gray pajamas roamed about working. In the corner a fellow named "Tibet" was being sat on and beat every so often.

Obama bowed again to this fellow and then started by telling him that he needed to be more responsible with his economy. Wu looked him over up and down and did not answer him. You have terrible human rights, but we are willing to overlook that if you loan us a few hundred billion, you know, get us through to the holidays.

Wu continued to work the toothpick when Obama's cell phone rang. It was Geitner asking him about the loan.

Sure, Obama told him, China would love to help out an old friend. Obama winked and clicked his lips while snapping his fingers. "See ya, PEACE!" and then headed back to the United States.

Wu looked over at his aid and continued to work the toothpick. His aid just looked blankly back at Wu.

When Obama got back, Geitner was waiting for him. The auto industry was failing. Banks were failing. Real Estate was failing. The people were without hope. What should they do?

Obama snapped a finger and said, "buy them." Cheat the investors by simply telling them they lost money and simply appoint a Federal overseer to take the business over. Simple enough.

A cry went out over the land. Some of it was cheering, but most of it was screams of anger. Billions were being written off and thousands were losing their life savings with a snap of those fingers. The Unions were given power over the new car companies. GM was taken over outright, Chrysler was given to Fiat, and Ford was forced to take money that it didn't need.

Geitner came to tell him that they were running out of money again. The last Trillion didn't last as long as he had hoped. Obama snapped his fingers at this paltry little problem. "Borrow another trillion, do I have to think of everything?"

Geitner slavishly reminded him that he had already borrowed more money in 2011 than every President before him...combined... and he still had another year to go. Obama cuffed him and told him to go get another 2 Trillion dollars and stop bothering him.

When asked about the Oil Industry in the Gulf of Mexico, Obama said, "No drilling". When asked about the Oil pipeline to Texas from Canada he said, "No pipeline".
When asked about Real Estate Obama said, "Throw money at it."
When asked about Student Loan companies, Obama said, "Take it over."
When asked about Healthcare Insurance, Obama said, "Take it over."
When asked about doctors who don't toe the line, Obama said, "Jail them."
When asked about domestic terrorists, Obama said, "Put drones in the sky and strengthen the Patriot Act."
When asked about foreign terrorists, Obama said, "those don't exist."
When asked about Tunisia, Obama said, "Where?"
When asked about Egypt, Obama said, "I hate Mubarak."
When asked about Libya, Obama said, "I hate Ghadaffi."
When asked about Israel, Obama said, "I hate Israel...er, no, I, what the heck, I hate Israel."
When asked about Islam, Obama said, "I love Islam, it is so peaceful."
When asked about Christianity Obama said, "Terrorists."

And the crowds cheered.

The nations of South America hate us. China and Russia can not respect us. The Muslim world hates us because we are not Muslim. Our allies in the Middle East are DEAD or isolated, because we now hate them, and our European Allies are catatonic staring at their own debt troubles while we continue to act as if there is no such thing as debt for us.

Obama heads into the Oval Office, puts down his golf clubs and basket ball, throws his feet up on the desk and states, "Man, this is EASY!"

What is scary about this is I have not had to make any of this up. Most of these words I've either heard from is very mouth or from the mouths of his aids. Scary stuff. Almost as scary as him wanting 4 more years.

Don't take my word for it. Look it up yourself.

Right now, the bar is a weird and scary place. Friends aren't friends any more, enemies are still your enemies, and Obama thinks that by draping his arms over people who hate him that they will somehow love him.

Then again, what is not to love about a narcissist?

--Live well.

Zavost