All that is old is new again

Time marches on.  People change, die, and the world gets on.  I have been here, though I have not been writing down my thoughts.  Perhaps this changes now.  Again.  My students come and go.  Some go with clearer vision, others with validation.  Others still walk away in willful ignorance.  More still simply seek identity in a world that seems hopelessly complex and infinitely unmoved by the pain it contains.

Since my last writing, others have gathered with me regularly.  We share what we know, ask questions always, and listen carefully.  We speak together with honesty and openness, no shame or stigma allowed.  There is no orthodoxy, no dogma.  None can take offence as we discuss everything rationally.  Facts, details and questions.  Thomas Jefferson would be proud of this group.

Since my last entry, my mother fought a brief, overwhelming fight with Lung Cancer.  From diagnosis to her passing was just under 5 weeks.  It was both hard and yet oddly clinical.  I have worked in healthcare for over 25 years.  I have been at many a bedside when fellow human traveler in life has passed.  I have been there for them even as family tried to get there in time.  I was unable to say goodbye in person.  Her disease took her before I could get there, her lucidity lost during the night.  I was delayed by a winter storm and got the message from my brother that she was no longer recognizing anyone while I was on the tarmac, just before take off.  I was there as she declined over only a few days. 

She was an avid blogger and did it for many years.  She talked me into doing this as well.  Our parents help shape who we become.  I was not at her bedside when she passed.  When I left for my brother's house that night, I said goodbye.  We placed her on Hospice care and I told the nurses taking care of her not to let her pass alone.  I wanted telemetry on her until the end.  They accepted my solemn request.  They knew that she had been a nurse for over 30 years and they treated her like fellow soldier making their final report.  They were with her, in the end.  She passed shortly after midnight, with her comrades standing vigil.  A few days earlier, she had last rights performed on her by our Catholic priest.  It was the single most moving and emotional event I have ever experienced.  This is a huge admission from one who claims to be a Stoic.  Stoicism is not the absence of emotion, but the understanding where it comes from and how to place it in context with events.  Even now, more than 10 months after her passing I must wipe the tears from my face. 

I will miss her farm-girl earthiness.  So many of my family, that were strong, young, and vital in my childhood have passed away.  Everything I remember growing up has passed.  This personal drama is played out every day, all over the world.  It has gone on since forever.  All things pass, but all things are renewed.  I pondered that as I had brunch with my daughter and her boyfriend.  I remember eating  out with my family at her age, sporting my hot new Czechoslovak wife.  Things change, but oddly, only the names and players.  The woman I called Grandma has passed into memory.  The person I called Mother has joined her.  Some day, a child will call me Grandpa, and it will bring both joy and sorrow to me.  Joy at the renewal of life and the transmission of culture to the next generation.  Sorrow in that I always see myself as a poor substitute for the giants who came before me.  The giants who tried to impart their wisdom to me even as a younger version of me scoffed at their ignorance...

I am living in interesting times, as the Chinese would say.  The world and culture of my parents, who grew up in the 1950's is dead on gone.  Passed into mythology and rumor.  My children now must make their way in a world in transition.  The great world the giants erected has been allowed to decay.  Rebirth is being delayed while Sulla and Marius, Caesar and Pompey fight to determine the direction of this future.  Will it remain a Republic, answerable to the people, the mythological world I thought I grew up in, or will it become a dystopian totalitarian nightmare controlled by the connected and the powerful?  We will explore this together over the coming years. 

All that was old, MUST become new again.  We must stand united on the shoulders of giants and make the world a better place for our children and our descendants.  I will do what I can.  I will do what I must.

As always, everyone -- Live Well.

Zavost

I will be