From atop the Stoa today, I sit tapping my cane upon the flagstones. There has been much thoughtful discussion today with the class and the passers-by. I am frequently surprised by people who do not seem to know who they are or what their place is in the world. People who want...something, but don't know what. It frustrates them, it alienates them and it makes them, they think, do self-defeating and self-destructive acts to make their feelings become reality.
I have said it before but it deserves to be said again: Everything in our lives is both a choice, and our choice to make. The trick is to slow down and rationally evaluate your life and your life's choices. Some examples:
Adolescence is a tumultuous time for all of us. It helps to shape what kind of adults we are to become in the future. One's personality is likely set before they are six, but the physical and hormonal changes brought about by adolescence determine how we express our thoughts and feelings. Some teens grow from these experiences, but others seem determined to slide into darkness. I know that it is hard to think rationally when you are at that age, but if you do not, then you may find yourself an adult living a life that you wish you were not.
Personal responsibility. You are personally responsible for what bothers you and what does not. You will decide to allow a situation or a person's word to hurt you. Only you can allow another's actions to determine YOUR actions. Introspection and reflection are the tools to rational decision making. Develop these as you would any muscle.
I will use a typically dysfunctional family as a model to hang my discussion upon. You have a late 30's father, a late 30's mother, a 13 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. This sounds like the beginnings of an idyllic story. Let's say that neither of the adults went any further than a high school education and that they have struggled with finances their entire life. They have never owned a home, but have had to rent, thereby being denied the security of home ownership. Money was always tight and the addition of a daughter made things tighter. They never had the kind of car they wanted, nor could they take a vacation of their choice. Frustration builds and bubbles over time, raising the temperature one degree at a time until something melts down.
The mother decides to go back for a two year degree that will allow her a career that pays more than minimum wage, an attempt to bring some financial security to the family. Cars break down and the daughter has homework assignments.
Then a new child joins the family. Strained resources get even thinner. Rent payments are missed and the family has to move to a home on the charity of their families. The fathers dignity and confidence are shattered as he can not provide for his family. The mother grows frustrated and hopes for positive change that will allow her a measure of security for her young family.
Everything changes when the father decides to leave the family and hook up with another woman, severing himself as much as possible from the frustration and pain of living a life he never envisioned for himself. A desperate attempt at happiness that will end up causing more pain then he ever had to endure.
This article is for the children more than for the adults, though the principle is the same for either.
This young lady will likely be affected the hardest for the first few years, but the son will grow up dysfunctional as well. This is the time for rationality and not emotive reaction.
When the father left, he was not leaving the daughter, he was leaving the situation. She did nothing wrong. She did not do anything or say anything that made him leave. To be blunt, the man became a dirtbag by abandoning his responsibilities. He took an oath to remain with his family through the good times and the bad. The rich times and the poor times. He is a coward who himself never really grew up. He is acting like a child himself by avoiding the painful things in life in the hopes that things will be different, happier for HIMSELF.
She has the choice to either observe what has happened, learn from this so that she can apply what she knows when she becomes an adult, or will she decline into self destruction?
The mother must now deal with an absent husband, shortage of income, and two children, one of whom is old enough to react negatively to the unravelling situation. She must deal, herself, with the emotional wreckage of knowing that her husband is with another woman, but she must also work two jobs to keep the bills paid and food on the table. She will be absent at the time that her children need her the most. This is painful beyond measure for her.
Will the daughter recognize the plight of her mother and lend a hand in raising her young brother or will she turn into her own feelings and thoughts of inadequacy?
Each of those two examples, if dealt with introspectively, could have improved not just HER life, but he life quality of her mother and young brother. That is just two choices and already we could have a completely different life.
Whether she likes it or not, her brother needs her now more than he ever will. His personality if forming right NOW. His internal compass of good and bad are becoming set more and more with each passing month. She can either accept what has been dealt to her or she can ruin her brother's life along with her own; which if she thought about it, is irresponsible and unfair of her to do.
She must rely on her friends to provide the companionship that he is not and can not get from home. She must support her mother, who must be strong for everyone else, and help her brother. The world is full of girls on the street who come from broken homes and she need not become yet another one. She is an individual with worth and value. She can and will contribute to the world around her when she is an adult. She must go on to college and find her calling in life. Time. Time is the great emotional solvent. With enough time, the pain of childhood and adolescence becomes a tool of learning and not a source of ongoing pain. However, you must get to adulthood to be able to place your life within that context.
Now for some boring stuff.
Stoics believe that your conscience acts in harmony with god. When you are doing something you know is bad and it makes you uncomfortable, the that is your conscience resonating negatively with god's will. You know you are doing something that is bad, yet you will do it anyhow because you have created a bubble of lies around you justifying your own actions.
Negative feelings and emotions come about when you try to push against the natural course of things. When you feel bad, you act bad. When you act negative, negative things will happen to you. Like attracts like. Rebelling against the universe is ultimately futile. Working in harmony with the world, listening to your gut about right and wrong will greatly improve your future.
So, what in the hell does the last two paragraphs mean in the real world? Well, here is an example.
You know smoking is bad for you and that your mother will not like it, but you do it anyhow knowing that you will feel cooler around your friends and can irk the crap out of your mother. Revenge is an ill emotion for anyone. Revenge against someone who only has your best interest at heart is a futile expenditure of energy an emotion. It is also just plain wrong.
Acting out and causing trouble, changing your hair color every few weeks is a waste of energy. Get good grades, go onto college, and make your life your own life. Do not let your situation determine who you will be. You will be who you want and wish to be and it is YOUR responsibility to accomplish that. Your father will continue to mess up his life, your mother will go grey and toil in a thankless life to provide and your brother will feel left behind by a sister that he looked to for guidance when he was younger. He will have his own choices to make. It would be great if he had a positive role model to emulate.
As the great John Wayne once said, "Life is hard. Life is harder when you are stupid."
I say that your life is your own and only you can decide to succeed or fail. NEVER allow others to determine whether you will be a success or failure. We choose who we wish to be. Remember, not choosing is a choice, and it generally does not work out well for you.
Live and learn. Learn to love and to forgive. Be an island if you must, but do not let others make your life.
Live well.
--Zavost
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